Every Woman Wants to Be in Sex In the City

So, I am back on the dating scene. Or at least attempting to be on the scene. There seems to be a procedure to all of this. I probably don’t have all the components, but I’ve got the general formula figured out.

It starts with the introduction. In my case, this is usually off of an online dating website. I express interest in them or they express interest in me. This proceeds to mutual acceptance and an exchange of contact info. This is the first test. Through a series of email conversations, can you intrigue this woman to want to know more about you but not say too much and scare her away? A delicate balance of releasing and withholding information ensues. I’ve been guilty of erring on the side of both too cautious and too much information. Sometimes, I still make a mistake, but I think I’ve gotten a bit better.

Eventually, if we are both still interested a meeting is suggested. We pick a time and a place and the first date is set.

Here is what I have been experiencing. We pick a restaurant that we think is amicable to both of us. This is usually some fancy place downtown (a lot of new places have opened up downtown so the options are endless). I’ve tried to stick to places I know, just for the sake of knowing that the meal will be good.

We meet at some mutually agreed place. I’ve taken to suggesting oddball places like particular statues in the park or sections of bookstores. I don’t think its nice to tell a first date to meet me on the corner and most women do not want to have their first date with a (seemly uncreepy) guy pick them up at home. So we meet and head off to the restaurant making small talk along the way. During dinner, conversation is tricky. Try to be charming, listen to what she has to say, ask questions and share a bit about myself. Sometimes the questions come out easily, sometimes, I can’t think of anything to ask. If dinner seems okay than there’s always the suggestion of going for drinks afterwards. If she accepts than we need to pick a place.

What I’ve gleaned from my first dates and introductions: every girl thinks living in the city is the greatest thing in the world. I agree its awesome, I grew up there. To them it seems like there is no place else to live. I would live there if the commute to work wasn’t terrible, but I don’t think I would be as gaga about the whole thing. That’s the difference. Most people move into the city as they get jobs, I ended up moving out. No regrets, no complaints, just the cards that I was dealt. For them, it’s a new place and a new adventure. But I digress…

Here’s my bad episode thoughts. It seems that there are “hot spots” in the city where everyone wants to go. They are not bars, they are not clubs. All the bars and clubs are now called lounges. Its all the same to me, but apparently, lounging is the in thing to do now. Shit, in that case, I was doing the in thing 5 years ago on my couch.

But, when I have one date one night and we end up at a particular lounge. Than a couple of nights later, my new date wants to go to the same place or the place two doors down, it gets old. Last weekend, I ended up in a lounge with one date and it turns out the woman I was scheduled to see two nights later was just next door.

I understand that there are places that everyone thinks is the cat’s meow, but how about some variety? Don’t you get tired of going to the same places with your dates as you do with your girlfriends? This is ridiculous. Can we not go to different places. Must it always be the lounges and the “in places?” What ever happened to going to a nice jazz bar with live music or walking the city after dinner?

I’m coming to the point where I think I’m going to have to make a change in my dating rituals. I can’t keep taking different girls to the same bars. I need to be proactive and suggest places that they’ve never been to. Maybe even shoot down their suggestions of “the lounge.” I wonder how they would react? Would I be the asshole that wouldn’t go to G-Lounge or the weirdo that doesn’t like Mantra?

Blind Dates-1

So, I meet girls in one of three ways: 1) people introduce me; 2) the internet (a culture specific dating website); 3) in a bar/club or other social activities.

A majority of my dates come from the website. A couple of weeks ago, a girl posted interest in me and said she liked what I said in the profile. I read hers and thought "hey she sounds pretty cool." I emailed and later we talked on the phone. We had some common interests so at the end of the conversation, she suggested that we meet. I was surprised that she wanted to meet after talking for only 30 minutes. Most girls want more talk before they'll actually meet. I agreed anyhow and we said we would plan things out over email. Through a couple of emails, we decided to meet in Princeton (about 90 minutes for each of us to drive). I got there a bit early so I walked around and than headed over to the restaurant to wait for her. She showed up ~20 minutes late (traffic). No big deal. We got a table and sat down. Looks-wise, she was above average. Lunch was awkward. First thing I noticed is that she kept looking around at everyone around us and never really made eye contact. She didn't really ask too many questions, and I found it a bit hard to keep the conversation going. She didn't seem to attached to her cultural roots (I'm definitely more attached to mine). I did ask how often she does these first dates and she giggled when she said something on the lines of too much. When the check came, she insisted on splitting it, so I threw down some cash for half plus tip. She reached in her purse and started using a calculator to figure out how much to put in.

We walked around Princeton for a while and got some ice cream, did some shopping and that was the end of the date. Overall, it was okay. Nothing crazy, a little bit of laughs and some uncomfortable silence. We parted with a hug and a thanks I had fun. Of course the next day I emailed to say I enjoyed myself and that we should meet again sometime. Since than we've emailed like twice, but haven't made any plans.

My takeaway from this one... I chalked this date up to being a dud. Nothing against the girl, but we just weren't feeling eachother from the beginning. I made an effort, but I don't think it was reciprocated. The whole eye contact and looking everywhere else thing really bothered me.

Blind Dates-2

I went on a blind date Friday night. It was with someone who I've talked to over the phone for a couple of weeks. On the phone she didn't seem too interested, just somewhat indifferent towards me. I figure no big deal, at least I get to know someone new. From my side of things, I thought she was cool over the phone but there is something not right that I can't quite put my finger on yet. Recently we decided to meet for dinner and see what the other person is like in the flesh. The plan was for dinner and I got the feeling that she was going cause she felt a bit obligated to meet.

When I picked her up I quickly realized that she is much more beautiful in person than the pictures I had seen. We went to an Italian place I've been to before and I've known the owner for years. By shear luck the owner was there and made a big deal about me and later in the night, he even entertained us with some Italian love songs. Pretty romantic, but also creepy for a first date. My date was entertained by the whole thing though and although I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable, she played along. Dinner conversation was good. She even made eye contact while talking (she's got some beautiful eyes). We joked around a bit, talked about work, families and pop culture. I really enjoyed the conversation.

To my surprise, after dinner she was down with going out around town for some after dinner drinks. We went to a couple of lounge/quiet bars where we could talk and hang out. It was cool. She seemed to loosen up a bit and I also started to feel more comfortable. We walked around the city a bit to get from place to place and most of the time, I offered my arm to her. I really was trying to be a gentleman. As the night progressed, we started sitting a bit closer and eventually we kissed for a bit. After that, we ended up going to the river just to check out the view and than I took her home.

Overall, I thought the date was a good one. Still was a bit confused cause through it all, she seemed a bit withdrawn, but maybe its just my paranoia? I did the followup text on my way home and called the next day to thank her for a lovely evening. We talked about maybe trying to meet up again soon (we live 3 hours from eachother).

Today I got a call from her. We talked pleasantries for a bit and than she said she needed to talk to me about something. I figure okay, here it comes... She said she had fun but wasn't feeling the chemistry with me. She wants to slow things down and see where it goes. I responded that I can understand that and after all the life lessons I've learned, I know better than to rush into things. We pretty much left it at that and will talk again soon.

What perplexes me is that I think I may have sent the wrong signals to her. Did I behave in a way that made her think she needs to slow things down? Maybe I shouldn't have asked for a second date so soon? On the other hand, maybe she really isn't feeling me. I might just be in the friend zone now. Or maybe I'm just overthinking things and this is how dating is supposed to go. Being off the scene for so long, I don't really know what to expect or do anymore.